What Came After

March 19, 2014.Tanya.0 Likes.6 Comments
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After the 11-year-old girl me was forced into losing her innocence on that dark night, I moved into a very mature life style for that of a young girl that age. Was I seeking protection from these people around me or was I just damaged goods? In my head I was broken and in my heart I was sad. How does a young girl deal with being broken, damaged and sad?  She starts to live the life she thinks she deserves.  We all know deep down inside what we deserve but it’s what we tell ourselves that we deserve that makes the difference; often times there is a big disconnect there.  My current state of mind has come from me lining the 2 up and knowing that I was not put through this for it to destroy me but to help mold me into who I am today; to help define my purpose and to strengthen my motivation to live my purpose each day.

When I thought about telling people about what happened to me my heart would beat fast, my hands would sweat and my stomach would almost always send me towards a bathroom to get sick. That was shame; I can say that word now with a strong confident voice and know that I don’t live in that place anymore. The word shame hadn’t existed in my vocabulary until I was sitting in a room with 90 other people taking a self-development seminar called ‘Choices’ in January 2013.  We weren’t participating in a process per say as you do throughout the days of this seminar but sitting in a large group listening to the facilitators.  There was nothing intense going on but they said the word “Shame” and like a ton of bricks not glued together with care – I crumbled.  Shame, shame, shame – oh my god – I’ve lived in shame for over 20 years!  For 20+ years I have let the actions of another human being control my happiness and destiny.  It was from that point that I knew it was going to be hard work but I was not living there anymore.  I was consciously going to find that shame monster every day and make sure “it” knew I was well aware of where it was and how it was triggered.

When I told my parents about the things that had happened to me after I came home from Choices they were not only shocked but deeply saddened. I came home with a renewed belief in myself, who I was and that I deserved nothing short of an amazing life journey and because of that I knew I had to speak – not think, not write, but speak the truth.  We had a long conversation about it all and the best part for me was being able to say to them that I forgave them for not protecting me as a young child.  If there’s one thing I wish for the children of this world – its protection.  Protect them, know where they are, know what they are doing and who they are with – prior to this happening  I was an honor student, outgoing, polite well-rounded young child raised in a very normal household.  It still happened to me.  The ‘it will not happen to me or my children’ does not stand true for predators or people who live their lives as they themselves were taught as children.  I often wonder why I never told my parents sooner or for that matter – when it happened.  I can’t dwell on that but I do wish every single day that I would have told them as soon as it had happened as maybe it wouldn’t’ have happened a second time with my friends Uncle.

Shame

Categories: My Story

Comments (6)

  • Deb Zaluski . March 20, 2014 . Reply

    You are awesome Tanya, I am so proud of you!! Hugs

    • (Author) Tanya . March 20, 2014 . Reply

      Thank you for taking the time to read Deb! I very much appreciate the support. 🙂

  • Louise Gallagher . March 19, 2014 . Reply

    Very powerful Tanya. Keep writing it out — keep writing towards truth and beauty and light because in your writing, and with your voice, you shine bright!

    • (Author) Tanya . March 19, 2014 . Reply

      Thank you for all your guidance to this point Louise – I appreciate the feedback and support. 🙂

  • Robert Wolfe . March 19, 2014 . Reply

    I wish I could hug you. No words cuz none would work, just a very heartfelt hug.

    10WOW for your courage! Courage to carry on in life after such a terrible thing. Courage to tell your story to your parents. Courage to be vulnerable and tell your story to me. You rock girl!

    I cried reading your story. My heart ached. My head wagged. Our world is very broken.

    I got mad. I’m a dad of 3 girls. Can I find this guy and take him out? That is my emotional response; my logic quickly tells me two wrongs won’t make a right.

    Then came shame. I’m a male. When any male does a terrible thing to a woman or child, I am ashamed to be a man.

    Continue on your path of healing. Indeed you “deserve nothing short of an amazing life journey.” I am blessed to have the privilege to know you.

    • (Author) Tanya . March 19, 2014 . Reply

      Thank you for taking the time to read Robert. Its an honor and privledge to be able to tell my story from a healthy standpoint.

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