Being able to express myself through writing again has ignited a spark in me to not only continue moving forward with it but to share it more freely. I have found that since writing my story, I have been more open to discussing it and answering questions about it. One question that seems to be asked by most who have read it and is a trigger for me: “Do you feel worthy now?” Wow, that’s a big question with a lot of meaning behind it.
: the value of something measured by its qualities or by the esteem in which it is held
: moral or personal value
: deserving of
Do I feel worthy?
I didn’t – for a very, very long time. My definition of worth was if someone else felt I was ‘worth’ it. How sad to look back and base the value of my life on other’s opinions of who I was. What little they knew about me and what battles I had fought to draw conclusions about who I am. Acknowledging my story has made me realize that I am not the only one with a human condition story. We all have one; we’ve all suffered hurt, lose, pain that felt immeasurable in those moments. We’ve pushed through it and moved forward on the path but the question is really if we’re moving down the path we feel we deserve or if we are on the path that others think we deserve. The path we feel we deserve or the path others think we deserve – think about that for a second. I know that I now consciously surround myself with people who want only the very best for me so in my case, we’re on the same path together. Many times in life we aren’t surrounded by people who want the very best for us therefore we may very well be on the path that they feel we deserve or on the path that we feel we deserve because of how they make us feel. How often do we start walking feeling as though we have people beside us supporting us only to find that when we get to the tough decision, we are standing alone? I walked a long, lonely path where I felt like I wasn’t worthy of having anyone walk it with me because why would anyone want to walk with someone who was as deeply damaged as I was inside.
A big reflection for me is that I choose not to tell my parents because I didn’t think they’d want me anymore. Heart breaking to write that as a parent myself but deep down inside the voice played – “the boys didn’t want you afterwards – why would your parents?”. Ouch – that one hurts deep inside and is a new one for me as I’m writing this. How in this world am I going to make sure that everyone in my life understands that I WANT them in my world in whatever form they are in my life; from my children, family, friends and so on. I need to make them see their worth in my eyes.
I feel healing inside in many ways now but the largest part of that has come in truly owning my story. I can’t change what happened to me but I can change how I allow it to be a part of my life. It will always be a part of my life, that is a fact but allowing it to be a part of my life to build and grow on, that is a choice. I choose to own my story and I challenge you all to own your story and through owning it, you too will find your worth.