I opened my eyes today and quietly laid there pondering what I was going to do today that would make a difference in how I felt about myself. The first thing that came to mind was the images of being raped and the immediate thought that I can’t change that I am dirty and damaged. The next thing that came to mind was if I was ever going to let someone love me freely, honestly and openly.
I don’t know that I’ve ever let someone love me for me – in fact I know I haven’t. I know this because I am more me now than I have ever been. I think we are only ever fully us when we are children of the world and have not yet been tainted by everyone elses’ inadequacies and expectations. The reason our children grow up not feeling loved or not feeling good enough is because we as their parents have somehow instilled that in them through our own behaviors. I understand I am not a perfect parent nor do I want to be because being a perfect parent only makes our children into ‘perfect children’. By making perfect children we are setting them up for life time of failure. Our expectations become their failures, others expectations become their roadblocks and soon enough they wake up one day and say “I’m not even going to try because it won’t be good enough”; translated into “I’m not good enough”. I was so very guilty of walking behind my children and correcting things they’d done. Fixing the bed my daughter made, straightening the books she stacked and even re-folding the laundry she so proudly had folded. What was I telling her? I was telling her that she wasn’t doing it good enough for her very own mother. Did I realize that I was doing that? No, obviously as any parent knows they would never purposely be instilling into their children that mindset but it happens because we ourselves parent our children as we were parented.
I needed to get in touch with my inner child today – the one that felt loved by all who surrounded her and hadn’t yet been tainted by the world. That little girl who loves herself and believes in herself and so fully loves all things in life – from the ladybugs in the grass to the rain falling from the sky. I needed to think of something or say something to myself to get past the dirty and damaged me and into the now, into today and what I could consciously do today to offset that. Next I needed to understand why my next thought was about love and allowing people into my heart. Here is what I got: I know in my heart and in my mind that I am not dirty and certainly am not damaged and in fact the last few months of my life – I have been the opposite. I have been strong, confident and have fallen in love with myself more and more every day because I am more in touch with me than ever. And then it came to me – YES I will let someone love me freely, honestly and openly and guess what – that person is me! I have loved myself in those aspects so much more lately than ever before that the very struggle I was having in my head was gone. What a far cry from 1.5 years ago when I would have let that control me all day not knowing how incredibly sad I was inside but yet being able to be happy for everyone else around and wondering why I felt empty.
Today I am alive and filled with contentment and peace and because of that I can radiate my purpose to those around me. If one heart smiles from being around me today – I have succeeded in my purpose: empowering myself and others to feel loved. My inner child is smiling at me today knowing that she is not lost but that I just need to be strong enough and brave enough to find her.
Go dance in the rain little girl and wash away the pain.