I think we all define loneliness in different forms – some of us by the amount of people we are surrounded by, some by the quality of people we are around and some of us just by feeling alone. For me loneliness now most often strikes when I am not cultivating genuine and authentic relationships, when the silence in my house starts to envelope my thoughts and my brain and heart start to connect. My brain tells me that I need to learn to be alone by myself in order to fully understand where I am in my life. My heart on the other hand seems to crave what I think we as humans are programmed for – connections and relationships. My ability to not be lonely is not dependent on having others around me – its dependent on me being ok with being alone with me. In other words, its dependent on me being open, honest and non-judgemental of myself and therefore fostering a healthy and alive mind and heart. A healthy mind and heart opens you up to allow your life to take the path that you deserve.
For some of you the feeling of loneliness comes even when you are surrounded by others because although you have people around you, you may not have the feeling of being connected with them. Having experienced the type of loneliness of not physically being alone but feeling alone as well as the type where I am not surrounded by anyone; I can tell you that the most painful for me has been when I was not physically alone but just felt alone. I crave connection with the people around me; that is who I am. When I am around people who will not allow me to create or grow those connections, it literally breaks my heart. The thoughts are often that I am not good enough for them to allow me into their lives, that they don’t want me in their lives or that I am not worthy of being a part of their lives. I have learned that it may sometimes be one of those reasons but most of the time, it is that I have not earned the privilege to be a part of their story. You see it is a privilege and not a right to be a part of someones life and once I realized that I started to understand that we are all very different in how we cultivate relationships of any form. I personally value the quality of my life at any given period based on the quality of relationships that I’m having at the time. If I am not having genuine or quality relationships I know I need to step back and look at where I’m at with myself. Have I let my self talk convince me that I am not worthy of good healthy relationships? Have I started to let my past creep back into my day-to-day life? There are many questions you can ask yourself when you feel your connections slipping away and loneliness setting in. Once you start asking, you will find a key question that you can ask yourself each and every time that will allow you to reconnect with your worthiness, acceptance, vulnerability or whatever it is that you need to cultivate that relationship with yourself. Once you reconnect with yourself, you will see the other relationships around you shift. It’s really quite amazing to step back and watch it happen. Once you are conscious of how your self relationship drives all other relationships, you have taken the power back from the self talk and truly given yourself the ability to love others where they are at, at any given time in their life. Being able to love yourself where you are at gives you the ability to accept others where they are at and therefore creating that authentic connection we all crave. Once our connections with ourselves and others are authentic – there is no room for loneliness.