We are confined by the walls of our comfort zone. There’s truth in that statement, a lot of truth however today I have a different take. We are confined by the walls of our fears. We build walls slowly over time through our pain, through our struggles and for me predominately through my fears. I am afraid of many things in this life, a few things that maybe I shouldn’t fear, a few that are the same as many other people’s surrounding death and loved ones, and some that simply encourage negativity in my life. The last ones are fears of being unworthy, undeserving, and unlovable. Oddly enough they all start with ‘un’, I thought this to be interesting and looked it up in the dictionary.
“Un – a prefix meaning “not” giving negative or opposite force.”
I build walls around me very quickly when I feel as though I’m letting someone into my heart and into my world that could hurt me. I am strong enough to push through that for the most part but sometimes the feelings are deep which makes the fear even deeper. A deep-rooted fear that feels like a lump in my stomach, it’s like my heart punching me saying ‘stop it – fear confines you!’ I have to this point done quite well allowing myself to be open and vulnerable with others but I have slipped lately. M and I are moving along quite nicely however I have let that deep-rooted fear create walls and now I’m stuck wondering how I can tear them down and just allow someone to care for me. Someone to just love me where I’m at and for who I am because I do know who I am is enough, who I am is worthy and who I am deserves it. I believe my fear in this is that I’ve never allowed it and I want it with M and I really just don’t know how to let him care for me on his terms, not mine for once. That control thing I’ve talked about numerous times plays into this scenario – oh how having to be in control all the time can impact our lives.
I love that quote – I love the ‘Ah, but what if it does.’ What if there were no walls to confine us and our feelings? I really want to know this part, I really what to experience the what if part. So much of how we function on a day-to-day basis all ties together. What if we were vulnerable and open, that might lead to new relationships and experiences. What if we didn’t build walls, that might lead to a new relationships and experiences. What if we just took the leap once in a while, that too might lead to new relationships and experiences. After all, we are all human and crave connections. If we could peek through the window of the walls to the other side, we might take a step out of the door into a world of new relationships and experiences. I mean this in all forms of relationships in our lives. One step forward is further than no step at all and although it can be scary, the opposite of not taking the step is staying exactly where you are – confined by the walls of your fears.