I recently took the next step in my “Choices” (www.choicesseminars.com) journey and attended ‘SuperChoices’. It was another amazing week of self discovery and revelation. There was a significant focus on your childhood and tapes that were formed in moments from your childhood. I’ve talked previously about tapes but for those of you just starting to follow – tapes are also referred to as negative self talk, ANTS (automatic negative thoughts), critter talk, inner critic talk…etc. – you get the point. Without divulging too much – the exercise was quite simple; think back to a childhood memory and determine what you decided in that moment. Basically put – what tape did you create in that memory?
I am a very blessed woman, I had a very stable childhood that didn’t involve any sort of addiction or abuse at young ages. For this I am forever grateful. What did happen to me happened outside of my family dynamic and unfortunately somewhat uncontrollable once placed in the situations I was in. I struggled a bit to find a memory that left a significant scar on my heart prior to getting raped and again I feel blessed after listening to others share their stories of living in terror as a young child. The memory I seemed to come upon makes me smile as it’s so innocent but working through it in the Choices room led me to what I believe to be a pretty significant barrier in my life. I am going to share it with you all as it really speaks to how as young children we internalize the smallest things and they become huge things in our life.
My story comes from when I was in Kindergarten. I do not actually remember the act but I remember the aftermath of it. Apparently I had ‘kissed’ a boy on the cheek while we were watching a movie in the dark in the classroom. What followed were conversations about how it’s not ok to kiss just anyone, how you have to respect people’s space and a lot of teasing from other kids as well as jokes from my family after it had all settled. Following the process through as we do in Choices, I had to figure out – “What did I decide in that moment?”. What I came to is that I felt very embarrassed and ashamed for kissing him because of the teasing and joking that followed. What I decided was that “love” in as much as a 5-year-old understands is embarrassing and that it is bad. My tape that follows through this is “Love is bad”. How incredibly sad that the complete lack of understanding as a 5-year-old allowed me to draw a conclusion like that at such a young age. I still get uncomfortable with a lot of physical affection in front of people and that is because “affection / love is bad”. I will conquer this tape and I believe that I’ve come a long way on that road already. The revelation is that I now understand it on a much deeper level. The scary part of it is that my oldest daughter is almost 5 – I wonder if she has already made a memory in her little life that has made her ‘decide something in that moment”.
What did you decide in that moment? How is it affecting you today?
Tapes consume you as a person without you even knowing what is happening. You have to dig deep and you have to be uncomfortable to find them. To understand them and their origin is the icing on the cake. I would challenge you to put some thought into why you don’t do things in your life because they feel uncomfortable. Is it because you’ve listened to your inner voice say “I can’t do that, I’m not good at that, I’ll fail anyway, I don’t deserve that, I’m not good enough, I’m not skinny enough, I’m not…, I’m not…, I can’t…., I can’t…, I can’t…
So what will you do the next time? Will you step out of your comfort zone and talk back to the voice? Try it just once, then try it once a day then just do it! Your life will change – I guarantee it. I AM, I CAN, I WILL!
I am a worthy woman empowering myself and others to feel loved and safe so they may cultivate genuine relationships.