I am not perfect although I’ve wasted many moments of my life trying to be.
I am not unlovable although I still spend time trying to make myself feel that way.
I am not unworthy although I tell myself that in times when I am in need of worthiness.
I am not weak although I will not cry in front of you for fear that you will think I am.
I am not scared although I can not define to you what bravery or courage looks like to me.
I am none of those things yet everyday I fight something that I know I am not. I’ve worked hard to get to the space I’m at today yet on any given day I can easily take a step back towards the old path. I could continue to do things I’ve always done expecting a different result yet always getting the same result. It’s interesting how we all know what we don’t want yet when asked what we do want, we stumble on our words not knowing what the answer is. Why is that?
Where do you want to go for supper?
I don’t know but not that place we went last time.
What do you want to do tonight?
What time do you want to leave by?
Anytime but I don’t want to be late.
Those are all super simple examples of not answering what we want but what we don’t want. I wonder why we do this to ourselves, why do we continue to live in the negativity of what we don’t want? Why is it so hard to garner up strength and courage to just answer with what we do want? I know why I don’t or I thought I did until now. I always respond with “I don’t like making decisions.” And the reason I say I don’t like making decisions is because of my personality type – I’m a people pleaser and I might make the ‘wrong’ choice and someone might not be happy. Heaven forbid someone ask me for my opinion and actually value it….. GASP!!! Even I am reading this over and thinking of how foolish that is, they wouldn’t ask if they didn’t want me to answer. So I guess the real reason I “don’t like to make decisions” is because I’d have to be brave, I’d have to feel valued, I’d have to find strength, and I’d have to find self-worth in order to feel confident in my input to the question. It’s pretty complex for a simple question like what do I want to eat for supper but what if the questions weren’t so easy?
What if we were asking ourselves the hard questions:
What is my passion in life and drives me to it?
What makes my soul feel peaceful and content?
What fulfills my purpose?
What does my happiness look like and how can I get there?
How do I want people to remember me?
Am I surrounded by the type of people who build me up not break me down?
And most importantly for me – Have I made a difference in someone’s life?
Those are the hard questions – those are the ones we should stumble on and put thought into. The answers may change as time goes by because if we’re answering those questions and striving for the answers than new challenges, new rewards, new opportunities and paths will present themselves. Wouldn’t all those questions be worth answering if you decided one day that you didn’t want to be stuck knowing what you didn’t want?