I am astounded by just how incredible a few days of being unemployed has transformed me. I don’t know when the shift happened or how it happened but at some point along the way I lost my true being in so many aspects. I awoke each day and hit the floor with the day-to-day routine faithfully and came home at the end of each day and started a whole new routine. I like structure, I like to know what happens next but I sure didn’t realize how much of myself was invested in what happened next. It’s only been a few days of not having a job to get up and go to and I can sit here and write about how many things I can see and feel that have changed in me.
That one seemed a bit (OK I admit – a lot) scary when I thought about it. What was I going to do all day everyday ALONE? I like people for the most part but there were days that I used to yearn to just be alone but then when I had that option, I was lonely. How ironic is that? I have now been awake for 3 hours and not turned on the TV to numb my brain nor looked at my iPad and I’m OK with that, in fact I’m happy about that. I baked some muffins, had a shower, drank a tea and am now writing; I am doing things I love. I get it now, I can be alone without being lonely when I am doing the right things for the right reasons. And guess what? I’m not that bad of a person to spend time with.
I sure didn’t think this one would come up. In my mind, the life of 4 kids and 2 full-time jobs would always cause ups and downs but at the end we would prevail. Here’s the thing, when the heck did I decide it had to be at the end that we prevailed? It was going to be when the kids were older, once we were moved, and on and on, it was always going to be something that caused us to be disconnected. In my quest to be something to everyone I didn’t leave enough for him and if I didn’t leave enough for him, I definitely was not leaving enough for me. You know what I have learned in 3 days about him – he loves me and our life so much and I wasn’t giving him the time of day to show me or better yet, I was making a CHOICE to not listen or see it. I was too busy wondering what the next thing to be stressed or worried about was going to be. Apparently he likes me better when I’m unemployed – can you blame him?
I say this in a non-financial way obviously. I mean provide in a way that brings us together. I have time to complete the errands and things around the house during the day so that at the end of the day we can just be together. I can provide good home cooked meals that I enjoy cooking and I’m certain they enjoy eating. I can sit at the table and look around and actually see what we are doing when we are gathered together at the family table, I can see and feel the strength of our family growing. Again I was making a CHOICE to not see the beauty of all of us being able to sit around the table. I am not wondering when I’m going to get this done, what groceries we need, when will I blog again? I am present. Big difference in physically being somewhere and being present. Think about that.
Why am I a better mom? I just know I am, I can feel it in my blood. I am energized to be the best I can be for all of them. My 2 youngest have been with their father since prior to my last day of work but yet I know in my heart that they will feel the peace in my heart. I can look back now and see how much stress affected us all, how some nights I didn’t feel like I had an ounce of patience left in me, how I couldn’t wait to close my eyes at night. I would read their stories and cuddle each night but some nights, that time was getting cut short because I just didn’t have it in me. You know my most favorite time with them is that time and I was giving it up. My 6-year-old can almost read, how long until I don’t get that option anymore? Not long I’d venture to guess. I know there will still be bad days and I’m OK with that, what I’m not OK with is that the scale was getting pretty heavy in the bad ones. I now know that when I close my eyes at night, it won’t be because I want the day to end, it will be because I’m tired.
Yes we’ve all heard it before, time is precious, don’t waste one minute of it. Your kids will be all grown up and gone before you know it. Don’t we know this now, our oldest son is going off to basic training in a week and a half. Now he’s only been in my life a short time and my heart aches for him, I can’t imagine how his father feels. They will be grown up and GONE before you know it. So just like the time with your children, your parents, grandparents, those who are sick and fighting battles is precious, so is yours. You have a certain amount of time in life to become the person you want to be. The person who you’ve aspired to be since you were young, don’t waste that time waiting for next week, next month even next year because here’s the thing: the happiest you will ever be is when you get to be you. Why wouldn’t you want to be the happiest in life the longest time possible?
So fine and dandy I have the option to be unemployed right now, I know some of you don’t. I didn’t think I did either, I trusted that things will work out. I might need to be back to work next week, next month, next year but the lessons I’ve learned in just this short time will stick with me. How do I know this? Because I am the most at peace I have ever felt in my life and that’s not a feeling you forget. So here’s my challenge to you:
BE committed, to DO what it takes, to HAVE what you want.
I’ve been searching for peace for a long time. Be Brave.